IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.