How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
You Might Also Like
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]