Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.