saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
based al yankovic
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
three things we don’t talk about