Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I have a black belt in leather
this is uni
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Always a housemaid, never a house.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.