My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
fair
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
no one ever comes back
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…