I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.