[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
When life hands you women, make women laid.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me