It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Baller is short for ballerina
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
We’re all getting idioter.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My boss called in sick of me
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Cats are still liquid.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone