I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
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“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
absolutely not
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?