one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
We’ve come full circle
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.