Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
the battle rages on
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Any refunds available?…
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.