At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.