[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.