30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again