Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My safe word is Worcestershire
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
taking June’s advice to heart
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My neck, my back, my…
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.