interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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😂 amazing answer
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
thanks auntie mary
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued