“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Super Hand Dog Face
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.