Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans