While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
bro what is going on at twitter
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”