welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo