nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
You Might Also Like
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Just a friendly reminder!
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
the rocks need my help
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove