Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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I think this cat is broken
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M