Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
We found love in a hopeless place.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
This kid is a star!
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.