“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Based Erika
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
watergate? u mean a dam??
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.