DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Sharon I have some bad news
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
A classic…
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.