A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
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The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.