M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
The “baby” on the left….
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.