Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
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homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance