My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.