Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?