nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.