doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb