Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do