My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
🤣🤣💀
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI