My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You Might Also Like
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
the simulation is moving too fast
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
💻🤡
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
He a real one for that