It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.