Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.