Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
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Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.