I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
You Might Also Like
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.