jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
For anyone who needs this today
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.