hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Nomnomnomnom
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse