I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.