Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
this FaceApp is creepy af
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
omg leave her alone
#merica
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
See..?
.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”