About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
You Might Also Like
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: