If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Autocarrot sucks!
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.