When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
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Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
podcasts
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I only say stupid things when I talk.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly