it’s either covid or clever vampires
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“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT