Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
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News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.