Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors